By Dr David Zimmerman – Clinical Psychologist, Clinic Director
In recent years, the concept of anti-fragility has gained traction in various fields, including psychology and child development. Coined by Nassim Nicholas Taleb in his book “Antifragile: Things That Gain from Disorder,” anti-fragility describes systems or organisms that not only withstand stress but thrive and grow stronger as a result of it. This concept can be easily seen in biological contexts such as the strengthening of muscles and bones through exposure to titrated exercise or the enhancement of the immune system through exposure to a reasonable degree of pathogens.
Nonetheless, when considering psychological development, particularly for children with neurodevelopmental challenges such as autism and ADHD, the concept of anti-fragility may seem to contradict the focus on safety and care that is often highlighted by current experts. Children require a stable environment and emotional support, which indeed encompasses safety and care, but also independence, the ability to express themselves freely, opportunities for play, and appropriate limits. While maintaining safety and care are essential, it is equally important to promote situations for our children that cultivate resilience, manage strong emotions, and contribute to individual development.
The Dual Framework of Development: Stress and Developmental Needs
While physical systems often benefit from certain stressors to build strength and resilience, developmental and psychological systems similarly benefit from exposure to specific types of stress, particularly during the early developmental years. Extensive research has shown that controlled, manageable stressors can foster resilience, emotional regulation, and coping mechanisms in children, setting the foundation for robust mental health in adulthood (see National Scientific Council on the Developing Child, 2015; Gunnar, M. R., & Quevedo, K., 2007). Indeed, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy is based on teaching people to learn to defuse from unhelpful thoughts and feelings that prioritise safety, avoidance of discomfort so that someone can move towards the things that they most deeply value (Hayes, 2005). As what we value is the source of both our greatest pleasure and our greatest pain, having a limited capacity to tolerate discomfort reduces psychological flexibility and ultimately shrinks the richness of life experience. In his new book, The Anxious Generation, Jonathan Haidt pushes this point further, arguing that contemporary parenting trends overly emphasise safety at the expense of autonomy (i.e., personal agency), contributing to increased anxiety and decreased resilience in children. Influenced by Skinaze’s ideas in her book Free Range Kids (2009), Haidt highlighted the importance of allowing children to experience manageable risks and challenges to develop essential coping skills and emotional strength.
Strong evidence indicates that the attention caregivers pay to the developmental requirements of children is vital for their emotional and mental well-being (see Ryan and Deci, 2017; Lockwood and Perris, 2012; Young, 2003). The term “attentiveness” in this sense refers to the significant practice of contingent mirroring, a crucial technique where caregivers mirror a child’s emotions accurately by making non-judgmental verbal acknowledgements and affirmations. This practice plays an integral role in fostering a child’s self-awareness and self-concept by organising their complex world of inner thoughts, feelings and reactions (refer to Gergely and Watson, 1996). In line with attachment theory principles (Panksepp, 2011), it’s suggested that securely attached children often feel comfortable exploring and embracing risks due to feeling safe with a dependable caregiver. This repeated interaction with their surroundings (exposure) encourages a reinforcing cycle of resilience. Young (2003) proposes that fulfilling fundamental emotional needs contributes to the development of enduring, adaptive behaviours. These needs include:
- Secure Attachment: to be seen, understood, validated, experience rupture repairs, loved, safe.
- Autonomy: encouragement and opportunity for independence, development of self, challenge, stimulation, competence.
- Freedom: to express thoughts, feelings, behaviours, likes, dislikes, needs, wants, to disagree skillfully.
- Play: Opportunities for fun, silliness, laughter, imagination, self-expression, exploration, creativity.
- Healthy Boundaries/Limits: Self-control, discipline, responsibility, respecting a ‘no’ from others, accept the rights of other people’s safety, privacy, and personal space.
Prioritisation of Needs
Extremes in parenting approaches, such as neglect or over-protection, can significantly hinder the development of resilience in children. Neglect may expose the child to overwhelming stressors that lead to long term damage, while overprotection can prevent them from encountering necessary challenges that aid in anti-fragile growth. The balance lies in attunement, which involves the parent’s ability to be emotionally present and responsive to the child’s needs.
The attuned parent must skilfully calibrate stress exposure—that could include disappointment from saying “no”, perceived injustice, delayed gratification, differing perspectives, and unexpected outcomes—while ensuring core developmental needs are met. However, it requires parents to regulate their own emotions, including worries about safety (e.g., projecting their own fears onto a child), while accurately adjusting their child’s exposure to stress.
The key for the attuned parent is to recognise and accept that not all developmental needs can be met simultaneously, and that each situational context calls for attuned discernment of which needs must be prioritised. For instance, as bedtime approaches, parents will know that the need for boundaries will inevitably be a trade-off between the child’s desire for autonomy (“I want to stay up!”) and play (“I want to keep playing the X Box!”). When parents meet their child’s need for boundaries, they also promote the anti-fragility process, helping children develop valuable skills in emotion regulation and delayed gratification, establishing foundations that will benefit them in future difficult situations. Research has shown a strong correlation between the ability to delay gratification in childhood and positive outcomes in adulthood. Children who learn to delay gratification tend to perform better academically, have healthier lifestyles, and exhibit greater emotional stability as adults (Mischel et al., 1989; Rodriguez et al., 1989). Additionally, those who can delay gratification are more likely to report higher life satisfaction and well-being in later life (Mujcic and Oswald, 2016; Cobb-Clark et al., 2014).
According to Haidt (2024), there’s a common inclination among parents to underestimate their children’s ability and necessity to execute tasks on their own, tasks that don’t (always) require parental help or intervention. Such activities might include solo trips to a nearby store, taking part in cooking, finding groceries independently at the store, or conducting a transaction and conversing with a cashier. However, parents who are weighing safety concerns against the risks associated with these independent activities sometimes fail to recognise their value and opportunities for building anti-fragility. Leveraging technology, for example, a smartwatch for communication with parents and a debit card for small purchases, can fulfill a child’s inclination towards autonomy, freedom, and play, thereby nurturing self-reliance, confidence and essential life competencies. These qualities have been consistently cited in the literature as buffers to anxiety and low self-confidence (Haidt 2024; Ryan & Deci, 2017).
Anti-Fragility in Neurodevelopmental Contexts
Children with autism and ADHD often experience heightened sensitivity to environmental stimuli and may have difficulty processing typical stressors. This sensitivity can complicate their engagement with activities that might foster anti-fragility in neurotypical peers. For instance, a neurotypical child might develop resilience through competitive team sports—a context of controlled stress that enhances physical and psychological toughness. In contrast, a child with autism may find the unpredictable and socially demanding environment of sports overwhelming, thereby not gaining the intended resilience-building benefits nor finding it personally rewarding.
Research in developmental psychology suggests that tailored voluntary exposures to stressors can promote anti-fragility in neurodivergent children, but this must be carefully managed to align with their specific thresholds and capabilities. Excessive exposure to stress beyond a person’s coping abilities can be damaging and may intensify their aversion to seeking out new chances for autonomy and freedom in the future. According to studies like those by Kopp and Gillberg (2011), structured and supportive environments that gradually introduce mild stressors to autistic individuals can help in building resilience without overriding other core developmental needs.
Conclusion
The developmental journey for children with neurodevelopmental disorders is unique and requires a nuanced understanding of how to apply the principles of anti-fragility while safeguarding their emotional and developmental needs for safety and nurturance. Adopting an attuned parenting stance, strategies that blend these concepts thoughtfully can help in nurturing resilient, capable, and emotionally secure children.
For further details on applying these ideas, feel free to contact us or make an appointment. Minds & Hearts intends to launch a neurodiversity-centred parenting program shortly, informed by the ideas in this piece. Reach out for more information.
References:
- Cobb-Clark, D. A., Kassenboehmer, S. C., & Schurer, S. (2014). Healthy habits: The connection between diet, exercise, and locus of control. Journal of Economic Behavior & Organization, 98, 1-28.
- Gunnar, M. R., & Quevedo, K. (2007). “The Neurobiology of Stress and Development.” Annual Review of Psychology, 58, 145-173.
- Haidt, J. (2024). The anxious generation: How the great rewiring of childhood is causing an epidemic of mental illness. Random House.
- Hayes, S. (2005). Get out of Your Mind and into Your Life. New Harbinger, Chicago
- Kopp, S., & Gillberg, C. (2011). The Autism Spectrum and Further Education: A Guide to Good Practice. Jessica Kingsley Publishers.
- Lockwood, G., & Perris, C. (2012). A Guide to the Schema Therapy Approach. Cambridge: Cambridge University Press.
- Mischel, W., Shoda, Y., & Rodriguez, M. L. (1989). Delay of gratification in children. Science, 244(4907), 933-938.
- Mujcic, R., & Oswald, A. J. (2016). Evolution of well-being and happiness after increases in consumption of fruit and vegetables. American Journal of Public Health, 106(8), 1504-1510.
- National Scientific Council on the Developing Child (2015). “Excessive Stress Disrupts the Architecture of the Developing Brain.” Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University.
- Rodriguez, M. L., Mischel, W., & Shoda, Y. (1989). Cognitive and attentional mechanisms in delay of gratification. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 57(2), 358-367.
- Ryan, R. M., & Deci, E. L. (2017). Self-Determination Theory: Basic Psychological Needs in Motivation, Development, and Wellness. New York: Guilford Publishing.
- Skinaze, L. (2009). Free-Range Kids: Giving Our Children the Freedom We Had Without Going Nuts with Worry. San Francisco, CA: Jossey-Bass.
- Taleb, N. N. (2012). Antifragile: Things That Gain from Disorder. Random House.
- Young, J. E., Klosko, J. S., & Weishaar, M. E. (2003). Schema Therapy: A Practitioner’s Guide. Guilford Press.